Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
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