She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Randomize
