Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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