yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
he told me I talked like a deaf person
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
