Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
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