Cold hands, warm shart.
Christians are straight up FREAKS
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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