Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
