after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
