time to smoke my breakfast
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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