Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
