I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
