I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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