Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Randomize
