Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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