By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
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