it wasn't lemon gatorade
I haven't been this sober since birth.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
