i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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