I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Randomize
