I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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