When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I didn't notice because vodka
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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