I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
