I forgot how hot balto sounded
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Randomize
