Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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