how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
