I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I think I just sharted jello shots
Randomize
