i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
