I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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