I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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