My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize