i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
college stoner meal of the day: microwaved nutrigrain bars
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
foreskin is a definite game changer
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
