I wish I could punch you in the face.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
