If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
