I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
