Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
