i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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