My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
