batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
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