dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
