u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
