I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
