if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Its about making memories worth repressing
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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