girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
