so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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