some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
Randomize
