i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
