Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
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