I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
