My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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