Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
