Swine flu. Run for my life!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
