I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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