i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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