is your mom at the bar?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
