We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
