dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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